Becoming LJ – Week 13

I am hanging on by a thread. And I continue to work on through this despair.

Still battling the fear that keeps rearing its ugly head. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE INTO IT. But my reality is just that – my reality. I survived all summer on my credit cards and now my only cushion is soon-to-be-depleted. I have done so well in overcoming most (not all – yet!) negative self-talk, I have developed a daily routine to maintain my commitment to myself and my MKE journey, I am increasing my choice of positive reactions to things transpiring around me – yet this albatross (finances – or lack thereof) is a reality I am having a hard time overcoming. How will I ever enjoy the effect I strive towards with the cause I have identified if these thoughts keep getting interrupted?

Speaking of my daily routine. My nephew, his wife, her father and their 3 children arrived on Sunday. This is truly my third Christmas – seeing his Girls grow up – and the joy they experience to be in Florida instead of freezing in cold Montreal for Christmas is priceless. I honestly can say I never really experienced the joy of the season during my youth (and quite frankly in my adult years) until they started to make this a tradition. My apologies – I digress. Since there is considerable turmoil in my villa (1200 s.f. with 3 adults and 3 children under 5), I am “escaping” to my car to maintain my routine. I let everyone know I’m off to an appointment or to run an errand and retreat to some peace and quite. Thus far it’s working and I plan to continue until they return to Canada in the new year. I just CANNOT let the old DNA take over. I’ve come to far. And I’m not a quitter.

This week’s webinar was of some solace to me. Wish it were my “answer,” alas, it did give me hope. Brass tacks with NARC: leverage the mind with positive (pleasurable) thoughts. My traction point was identified several weeks ago and I’m trying to work through it. Logically this makes all the sense in the world. Now I have to define my pleasurable thought to overcome my old DNA. And I’m not even thinking it’s cause I’m too busy – I’m not (with work anyway) – and I’m making the time to run to my car to keep my daily routine – I just can’t think of that “positive” thought to get me off my butt. Yes – it IS time to leverage all I have been working on.

So why haven’t I figured out my pleasure thought yet? It’s been 3 days.

Lighting at the tunnel.

When will I see my light at the end of the tunnel?

Published by BecomingLJ

Another new shot at getting it right

6 thoughts on “Becoming LJ – Week 13

  1. Yes, YOU have come too far to just go this far……. Your determination makes me so happy. You are doing what it takes. I believe, as you gain strength in Becoming LJ, the more resistance you have from Laura. Be grateful because you are on the right track….with determination. Bravo!!!

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  2. I am sure it is crazy at your villa with all those folks, enjoy your time with them! I am glad that you are finding time to keep your commitments. Keep thinking and it will come, it is took me awhile to find mine too. We are each on our own journey and things come to each of us differently.

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    1. Reassuring to read your comment. Yes – we are all on different schedules. And I catch a positive thought: isn’t it magnificent that we are not following the crowd!?! We ARE on a journey and the tools of MKE guide us to think for ourselves!

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