I am hanging on by a thread. And I continue to work on through this despair.

Still battling the fear that keeps rearing its ugly head. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE INTO IT. But my reality is just that – my reality. I survived all summer on my credit cards and now my only cushion is soon-to-be-depleted. I have done so well in overcoming most (not all – yet!) negative self-talk, I have developed a daily routine to maintain my commitment to myself and my MKE journey, I am increasing my choice of positive reactions to things transpiring around me – yet this albatross (finances – or lack thereof) is a reality I am having a hard time overcoming. How will I ever enjoy the effect I strive towards with the cause I have identified if these thoughts keep getting interrupted?

Speaking of my daily routine. My nephew, his wife, her father and their 3 children arrived on Sunday. This is truly my third Christmas – seeing his Girls grow up – and the joy they experience to be in Florida instead of freezing in cold Montreal for Christmas is priceless. I honestly can say I never really experienced the joy of the season during my youth (and quite frankly in my adult years) until they started to make this a tradition. My apologies – I digress. Since there is considerable turmoil in my villa (1200 s.f. with 3 adults and 3 children under 5), I am “escaping” to my car to maintain my routine. I let everyone know I’m off to an appointment or to run an errand and retreat to some peace and quite. Thus far it’s working and I plan to continue until they return to Canada in the new year. I just CANNOT let the old DNA take over. I’ve come to far. And I’m not a quitter.

This week’s webinar was of some solace to me. Wish it were my “answer,” alas, it did give me hope. Brass tacks with NARC: leverage the mind with positive (pleasurable) thoughts. My traction point was identified several weeks ago and I’m trying to work through it. Logically this makes all the sense in the world. Now I have to define my pleasurable thought to overcome my old DNA. And I’m not even thinking it’s cause I’m too busy – I’m not (with work anyway) – and I’m making the time to run to my car to keep my daily routine – I just can’t think of that “positive” thought to get me off my butt. Yes – it IS time to leverage all I have been working on.

So why haven’t I figured out my pleasure thought yet? It’s been 3 days.

When will I see my light at the end of the tunnel?

Halfway through week 11 I got sick. Visited my local ER and discharged after a strange (to me) diagnosis of Benign Positional (or Directional) Vertigo. Extremely low on magnesium and potassium. I am to take supplements and I do not believe in supplements. For now, I shall listen to the medical professionals and acquiesce. Then I will look at foods to incorporate into my diet – until then – I shall be a “good girl!”.

The very next day I caught “something” – the flu – a cold – I’m not sure – but it has had me bedridden with a fever of 102 degrees for two separate days. Each time I think I have it beat it beats me down again. Lethargic is an understatement. And I wake up today and realize I haven’t submitted my blog for last week and I’m a day late for this week. AND … tomorrow begins week 13. Holy smokes – I am about to begin the last week of the first half of the Master Key Experience. Insta-Fear. Yup. MEGA.

Don’t like the word many use for our old paragdigm – the cement – I prefer to use DNA. And in this case, my old DNA is given me a run for my money. MUST, no NEED to rid myself of this bad mojo. So, I stop and breathe. Then I celebrate the release of my DMP – something I never knew was on the horizon. That helps. And I celebrate last week’s and this week’s service to myself – small victories worth the recognition. Then I looked at my bank balance and panic has overtaken my body. I am almost out of funds. I am not making much money at my day job (no longer covers my living expenses) and the past month has been negligible for earnings with my side gig and once this money is gone – it’s gone.

So I’m trying my damnedest to use what I’ve learned thus far (and deep-down believe in) to overtake this fear. As I write the panic remains. Logic dictates it’s long overdue that I change what I am doing and I’m not sure what it is that I should change. Irrational fear has seeped in. I’m grateful I’m working today – perhaps my mind will be kept occupied. I sure hope so.

I sure as hell am going to persist through this. I haven’t come this far to give up. But man, am I ever nervous.

No webinar? No problem – I have plenty to do to keep me busy. Too bad I didn’t realize there was no digital solutions on Monday – frantically looked for the link and gave up after half an hour. Thanks Leanne for letting me know I wasn’t losing my mind!

FINALLY – success – my blog site is running properly! Now that this albatross has been removed from list, maybe, just maybe, I’ll successfully complete my recording. I’m being too judgmental on myself for this – but I want it to be done right – by whose standards?  Well, mine of course! So – I forge on with my work, and my MKE commitments – all is more than good! One baby step at a time – change like this takes commitment and time and patience – need I go on?

Change is good. My entire life I’ve been a change-agent and have always enjoyed stirring shit up. Why is it then that I am remorseful over leaving Scroll II behind? Perhaps it is due to how much it affected me. I have been hurt one too many times in my life and decided a long time ago to build a wall (in reality, upon reflection it’s many walls) around me. I’ve looked for all kinds of love since I was a child. Disappointment after disappointment led to the building of these walls. Scroll II had me looking at this differently! I’ve always been benevolent, been the friend others turn to (over the past couple of years I have been able to admit I need help too sometimes!), but have always lacked that one component – you know – the love thing. I have always doubted anyone who says those words to me – yes, a literal girl – but am learning to accept these words as a gift. It will come. Of this I have no doubt.

Perhaps it was also due to the fact the opening paragraph of Scroll III has aspects of what I consider to be animal cruelty in it – tried passing over those sentences then rationalize to myself this was written in a different time period and even then it was depicting a time period even older than when it was written? Am I making any sense? So, it’s been hard for me to get through the beginning of this scroll. The rest of it? Story of my life! Once I make up my mind to do something, I will stop at almost nothing to accomplish it.

Who needs lions and tigers and bears? Oh my! (you know – the famous line from the Wizard of Oz?)

Well, I’ve got brain-farts, epiphanies and aha moments … brain-farts, epiphanies and aha moments – so there!

I am one third of the way through my journey and I realized this past weekend I have been neglecting my side gig which is supposed to be going to be my new life in a couple of years as I retire my day job. Mind blowing that I’ve been so involved on this journey that I neglected this portion of my life. That started to get change this weekend and I am focused on my prize. Maybe it was also partially due to the pain I had been working through, but I truly was lasor-focused on our weekly tasks and assignments that I inadvertently forgot about my daily living.  Time to get back to reality!

Snowbirds are back in Florida and work is cray-cray. I will overcome. I will persevere! Besides, I need to make some money – gone too long without having done so and the slide of my credit card strip is fading quickly …. must replenish … must stop sliding …. must make money.

Getting into the swing of having an actual mastermind partner who understands what I’m going through. I hope I will be of service to her as much as she already has been to me. I look forward to sharing this with her. Many friends and neighbors know I’ve been up to something and every time I take the time to explain what this journey is all about their eyes glaze – so a kindred spirit is much needed.

May everyone who reads this have enjoyed a safe and event-free Thanksgiving.  I have decided to frequent my newly-found-favorite steakhouse and look forward to having a rare piece of prime rib. Veggies will be turned into a quiche in a few days and I love the bartender – takes a pro to make a French Martini to please this discerning critic! Blessings. LJ

I started to reread Haanel this week. And I continue to read Hill. Now I am on the same chapter for both! And I’m catching things I missed in the previous weeks. So cool!

I’ve been calling this a program and it’s structured and gives us the independence to think for ourselves, dream for ourselves and provides us with the right tools to use; yet another aha moment hit me this week – from now on this will be named a journey – my journey! Whenever I hear us or myself say the program, I think AA. So, a simple retooling and I’m more than good.

Another aha moment came to me on Saturday: my entire life I’ve heard so many sayings, like I am the captain of my own ship, or this is my destiny, etc. I am actually now believing these and they are not just sayings!

Been back for a little more than a week and I’m already witnessing some very bad habits reemerging. For example, reacting to everything on my calendar and not planning. Part of this is due to the fact that I’m given leads from the company and don’t know from one day to the next what my schedule will be. But I’m not liking losing this control again, it’s not serving my purpose right now. What I am catching myself doing is tossing the negativity away. My reality is I have to make money, as my side gig is not my main source to work and earn from. I’m pleased I’m able to keep my morning routine intact and am learning to deal with the rest, which is inconvenient at best.

Last week I mapped out some of the things we’ve been learning so when we got to this week’s webinar, it made even more sense to me! The pieces of the puzzle continue to come together. Bring it on!

I need to catch my breath. And I do. Multiple times a day since returning home. I am refreshed, grounded and rested. The cruise was just the right length to work on me – and I needed that!

I’ve mentioned that I’m pretty faithful to the program but the one frustrating thing to me is having to log my activities each day. Even though I’m doing them, I completely forget to open the app up so when I look at my stats they suck. Laura would have hated this and LJ is learning how to live with it! Now if I could just rewire my brain to catch those shapes and colors … it will happen and I am learning to be patient … too bad it’s not on my timeline!

On Wednesday I shared my lunch with a homeless person. He came into the restaurant with a dollar and change and asked to buy a sandwich, I had just been given my platter so I decided to share it with him and asked for another to go case so he could have most of my lunch. I can’t physically eat a lot of food and I already knew I had too much to eat so I found this to be synchronicity in helping someone else out. The new me is more attentive to my surroundings and I was pleased not to be judge mental, there is hope for me yet!

Seriously, I am very proud of having done that. This week’s challenge is trying to think of how to tackle the musical diary task. Aside from actually getting something that will motivate me and keep me energized, I’m considering doing a second recording with some classical background music that I could play in a loop as i fall asleep. Grateful we have another week to accomplish this.

A great deal sure has happened in the last week. From leaving tropical weather in Florida to catching the ship in New York and then back again to subtropical weather has been quite a journey. Four days at sea has truly provided me with the necessary time to reflect on so many things that I’ve been working on. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together gives me great hope that I am on the right path.

I’m not in my environment and I’ve missed several readings throughout the past week. I’m still faithful to the basics of the program, yet not as attuned as I normally am. The guilt that began to fester at not having read my weekly allotment of blogs was overcome as I reinforced and put to rest my old festering perfectionist self-doubt by reminding myself I’m at sea – on vacation.

I was looking forward to reading the Scroll II and our new key. My expectations were not let down a bit when I turned the page on Monday morning! This is something that is going to be extremely difficult for me to work on and something I already knew I had to do. My subconscious is to welcome this and I will learn to my love myself. Once I am able to do that, I know I will be able to spread this to everyone from this point forth.

I missed last week’s make up session for digital solutions and missed this week’s lesson and can’t wait to catch the recordings upon my return. I truly feel I am missing out, yet, I am making the best use of my time continuously working on my inner self. This is something I really needed to do. My intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and most recently physical self needed to be put on a new path.

Alas, the one thing I am disappointed in this past week is not having met my service to myself. I wanted to meet 5 passengers by last Sunday and did not attain this feat. This was not a failure nor was it to disappointment but an important lesson that I have social skills I must continue to hone and acquire.

Before I started the program I had a regular routine of having 2 drinks every evening and had reduced my smoking to 2 cigarettes that accompanied these drinks. And I was proud of this as I had been working at quitting for the past 5 years. Since beginning MAKE my desire to drink has reduced further and I can honestly say that I haven’t had a cigarrette in 5 weeks! I stopped smoking. What an accomplishment.

Further I have an unlimited beverage package on this sailing and I haven’t had more than 3 drinks on any given day, something I did not work towards but something that has increased (lack of interest in alcohol) since joining the program. Quite frankly I haven’t “tied one on” since my early twenties and do not wake up with hangovers; nonetheless, this is an added benefit I didn’t expect. Then I started to read Scroll II and BAM – I come to the section about loving myself and cherishing my body with cleanliness and moderation (I believe I’ve mentioned Divine intervention in the past in some of my blogs),well lo and behold it has come back again in full force! How grateful can I be? Right there in black and white – and I’m already experiencing and adjusting in my life. Further proof that I’m on the right track. I continue to celebrate life and I will continue to keep my promises!

If you know me, you know that my name is Laura. When I started work at my day job almost five years ago there was another Laura there and three ladies named Laurie. There was no way I was going to be referred to at the new girl or the other Laura so I asked everyone to call me LJ. It stands for my given name and my middle name. A little over a month ago I realized I was starting to like the person I was becoming and decided I wanted everyone to call me LJ. It’s a transition, but a good one. Now, when I hear Laura I think of old-me and shrug off the negative connotations that memory brings. Some are accepting of this request and others, well – they’ll catch on eventually!

This is my first 14-day cruise solo. I’ve been on a few before, but with family or my former gentleman friend. Traditionally, I don’t fly to catch a cruise, I’m in Florida afterall and can drive to every port in the state in five hours or less! But this one intrigued me. I finally am getting to see the Southern Caribbean – having only visited one port on this itinerary before (St. Maarten). And I flew to NYC to board, this is a repositioning cruise, another first for me (I’ve always thought I’d be taking a repositioning cruise across the Atlantic ocean – next time!), we’ll end up in Miami in a couple of weeks. How cool is that? I know, it really is!

Made it to NYC by 11:30 am, caught the shuttle to get a train to Penn Station. From there I took the subway to 72/Broadway and caught a bus to within 6 blocks of the cruise terminal (short and rather enjoyable walk for the final distance) in Manhattan. Checked in and made it to my cabin by 2pm!

I knew I’d be doing a bunch of reflecting this trip, didn’t realize how much. Presently we are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean almost halfway between NYC and St. Maarten – calm seas and true beauty on this ship. I’m making thre most of what is offered and only had the tv on Monday. This truly will be a cleansing experience for me!!! And I began my mental diet today – so far, so good. Now about those opinions I’m also working on … it takes practice and I’m catching myself so progress on that front as well!

Apologies for any typos – I can’t talk to text on the ship and going to save my internet time for Sundy’s webinar. Till then – LJ

Someday, it could be tomorrow, it could be in a month or it could be next year, but at some point in my future my friends and family will find this site.  Trying to explain this program to the few people I’ve chosen to share this with has been a challenge. It’s more than a mindfulness program I tell them. They smile, show encouragement and I know they don’t get it. Their loss, my gain. So hi there folks – this is what it’s all about – and more – SO MUCH MORE! Welcome to my new life.

I’ve been struggling with some serious pain issues the past three months.  Following a bunch of experimentation with traditional medicine, and the obligatory dance with insurance, I’m finally getting some much-needed physical therapy.  It’s helping, but only for a block of a couple of hours at a time.

Much like finding out about this program (see Week 1), and thanks to some wonderful people I have met through my networking (see Week 3), I found out about another not-so-mainstream alternative to treat my pain.  Of course it’s not covered under any insurance. Couple that with the fact that I haven’t earned more than $500 since June and I was extremely hesitant to pursue it.  Needless to say, I’ve been living off my credit card – literally and figuratively. This pain has overwhelmed me which has affected my income-earning potential so I decided to make an appointment.

Last Friday I had my first CranioSacral Therapy session. I had my second session yesterday and I can’t wait for my third appointment on Friday. If this program is a game-changer then this therapy is its equal. Mind-blowing actually. Light years ahead of PT. Coupled together (CST and PT), I am confident I’ll be back to me soon enough. GUESS WHAT? The CST is COMPLETELY spot on with MKE!!!  As my therapist manipulates (non-invasive AND pain-free) my body in the sessions, she speaks of SO many things aligned with this program! She is also intrigued about my weekly shares with her on what we discussed on our weekly webinar and tasks to concentrate on for the week! Have I mentioned Divine intervention and the Universe aligning for me recently?

Mind you, it doesn’t hurt that I’m leaving for a two-week cruise on Monday (cruising is part of my life – it is factored into everything I do – from my schedule to my budget). Cruising allows me to disconnect from life and escape. I eat well, sleep well and enjoy all the ship has to offer.  Normally I don’t talk to fellow passengers – I like my me time – alone. I do go to great pains to speak to the crew – no matter rank. They work extremely hard to make our vacations special and they deserve to be spoken to and not spoken at. I digress.

I bring up cruising due to this program. For the first time, I have vowed to myself that I will engage with other passengers. I need to let down the myriad of walls I have constructed around myself. Further, I need to start building my networking business. So engage I shall do as I always keep my promises. Wish me luck! Again, due to this program, I’ll be making use of the internet onboard. I’m not sure how well the satellites will work but I plan to participate in the webinars on 11/3 and 11/10 (I’ll still be home this weekend for week 5). The program is that important to me.

A few entries ago I mentioned how I noticed I’m watching much less television. That continues. I’m reading more. I’m keeping up with my duties for the program. And I realized a few days ago, I haven’t had a cigarette in at least a week (I’ve been on Chantix for five years) – as a matter of fact – today marks TWO WEEKS!!! This should be it. No more dependency on those things. I’m working on me, right? Yup, I sure am. So – hasta la bye-bye. As for the alcohol intake during my cruise – well, I won’t chastise myself if I end up partaking – I am on vacation afterall! But even that (alcohol) has been dramatically reduced since beginning the program.

My next couple of entries should be interesting. I’m looking forward to them. Ciao for now – LJ

Fear dissipates. Habits begun. I enjoy my daily tasks and readings. I commit to me. I am worth it. I deserve it.

For the past year and a half, after ending a relationship I should have ended years ago, I vowed to myself it was time for me. I proceeded to attend events (primarily concerts with a live musical tossed in to spice things up) and continue my cruises through the Caribbean. These were things I couldn’t do in my youth.

Not long after deciding to become a representative for the company I am now affiliated with, I was welcomed by a group of women and a culture that reflects my true self. Yet, I soon realized I had much to learn about social marketing. I purposely didn’t post much about the business until I was comfortable with the products. Now I am ready.

Yet, something was missing.  Attention to me.  Not necessarily making time for myself, as I have successfully woven these activities into my life with the aforementioned treats and instruction, but for me – inside.

I started to attend one networking group of female entrepreneurs and soon joined – regularly attending monthly meetings; through synchronicity I fell upon another networking group of women and felt its warmth and mission immediately and decided to become a charter member of this fairly-new group (it didn’t hurt that I met one member from the first group I mentioned AND then meeting another charter member whose classes I’d previously attended); and I almost became a member of a third – though I ended up listening to my inner-voice and changed my mind on that one – something I just couldn’t identify nagged at me and I bowed out of that particular group. It was the right decision for me at this time in my journey.

The culture I am thriving from these groups, along with the friendships I’ve made along my network marketing journey this year have inspired me. And made me think.

I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge, and I have often been my greatest challenge! Case in point? I want to grow my business. I want to grow my tribe. Yet I lack the skill set to initiate conversations with strangers. Moreso, if a stranger speaks to me I try to limit the conversation. So, midway through the week I sent out a request to my uppers and peers asking them to allow me to shadow them to see how it’s done. I’m cruising in a little more than a week and my goal will be to speak to people on this cruise, make a connection or more and speak of my life and this business!

We had a homeowner’s association meeting this week.  For the first time in my 7 years of living here, I didn’t raise my voice, I spoke with respect (that is something I always do) and I didn’t join them when they started speaking to me in a condensing tone.  I’m proud of those moments, I kept taking deep breaths and reminding myself that I did’t have to add to the situation. No longer will I have to steep to their level. I’m learning new ways to react. I am learning to not hate anymore – they are ignorant and cannot help their way of thinking. I reflect and ask my God and the forces out there to assist them in seeing there are laws that must be followed.

EUREKA!  My first TRUE (in my mind anyway!) sit this week.  For the FIRST TIME I was able to sit for 15 minutes! Not only that, but I actually started to hear, really see and smell. Joy. AND this is why I know I am just a few short practices away from acquiring the skill to toss thoughts from my mind AND sit regularily. Yes, just a few short practices away. YAY!